As you may recall, this blog has been undergoing extensive corporate restructuring.
Our strategy fault was to execute employees suggesting synergies, in order to disavow efficiencies and avoid on the deliverance of deliverables. That had been our corporate paradigm ever since this blog first formed as freefootballscholarships in 1898. Paradigms this ingrained are tough, and difficult to shift.
Thankfully, we’ve had help:
That’s right – it’s a goddamn paradigm shift! Stock is soaring, and we fully intend to slide our efficiencies into any available efficiency, all night long.
As such, we have been branching out into various business ventures with our friends at Halliburton-Monsanto, and our child company, Fox News.
This has been an exciting time here at “Pear Reviewed” – just last week we launched our “Get Your Pear Reviewed By Pear Reviewed” App in the Apple AppStore. This is an exciting app that uses barometrics and your microphone to deliver your Social Insurance number to the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service.
That is why we are excited to introduce our latest joint venture: we will be updating and re-imagining all of Shakespeare’s plays as a component of the Disney Cinematic universe.
Parents will love these updated editions. For too long, Shakespeare’s excellent stories have been weighed-down by annoying dialogue and dated historical references.
In our modernization of the material, we have removed inefficient material and updated it to reflect today’s popular culture. Our hope is for our films to replace the dumb Thanos-free books taught in school.
Look at this updated excerpt from Shakespeare’s worst play, Hamlet:
Hamlet, Horatio, and Leslie Jones are out for their evening walk. They come across two grave-diggers, joking to one another, singing songs from the 1975’s hit new album, “A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships”.
“Hot damn,” said Hamlet, “Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at grave-making?”
Horatio put down his vape pen, and responded, “Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness. Fake news.”
Leslie Jones shouts, “Stop! Hamler Time.”
The song “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer begins to play. As it plays, an infographic informs viewers that “Stop! Hammer Time” is a line from this song, and Ms. Jones is making a humorous allusion to that song at this moment. Ms. Jones then does [Insert Topical Dance] to the music as she disappears off the screen.
Hamlet continues, “Tis even so, the hand of little employment hath the daintier sense.” He points to the diggers, and the camera pans to the diggers. They are played by Chris Pratt and Zoe Saldana.
Hamlet recognizes the diggers. Earlier they had been guarding the door to his step-father’s chambers. He asks, “I thought you were guardians, what are you guarding?”
“Oh, we’re guardians all right,” Chris Pratt yells, staring directly at the camera, “Guardians of the Galaxy.”
But that’s not all. We have also incorporated all the songs from the much-improved sequel Hamlet 2, with subtle hyper-textual embedding for Latin-American viewers. Here’s one:
However, do not operate under the idiotic post-partum delusion that we stopped with Hamlet.
No, we have made selective updates and edits to the characters themselves. This ensures that the films remain open and accessible to people from all walks of life, provided they do not have New York Values. Stories should be inclusive, and not hateful to any sort of identifiable, republican group.
Take, for example, our improvements to Merchant of Venice. Viewers have always found the representation of Shylock problematic and offensive to banks. Shylock lends money at an exorbitant rate and demands interest in specific performance.
This is an affront to our entire notion of decency! Banks are corporations, corporations are people, and it is racist to discriminate against people for their business ventures.
As such, instead of a lender, Shylock will be a Dracula Monster played by Jim Carrey. Here’s a sneak peak:
Here’s the same scene in writing:
Gratiano wheeps, “Oh, upright judge! Mark, vampire: o learned judge.”
Shylock sneers, muttering, “Is that the Law?”
“Yes,” interjects Judge Neil Gorsuch in a surprise cameo appearance, “You ate people. Guilty.”
Neil Gorsuch looks great. He’s clearly been hitting the gym, and his abs are nearly as hard as the sentences he gives children following their parents to the United States.
“By the way,” says Portia, looking directly at the camera, “My mother is Jewish. I love her!”
“Thanks Portia,” smiles Neil Gorsuch all sexy-like, “I am happy to report that this play is no longer anti-semitic. I support a long, hard Israel.”
“That’s great news Neil,” smiles Gratiano pulling out a dog-whistle, “But we can’t be too cautious about international bankers and their New York values. Especially George Soros.”
And we all know how much you love Shakespeare’s historical drama, Richard III. However, viewers have always complained that they never got to see I or II in the Richard trilogy. This ends now!
We are proud to announce that we will be rebooting the Richard saga. We are going to finally do justice to the entirety of the trilogy, and the prequel and sequel trilogies necessary to do justice to Shakespeare’s vision.
This exciting trilogy is:
- Richard 2 Richard Furious
- Richard 3: Infinity War of the Roses
The first Richard will follow a young Richard as he grows up in upstate New York. Richard attempts to abandon his royal duties by teaching dance at a summer resort in the Catskills. Then, one day, a young girl – Anne ‘Baby’ Boleyn – accompanies her parents to the resort. She joins Richard’s class and, one day, has to fill in as his partner. Richard teaches her the routine and the two fall in love. Throughout, people unsuccesfully attempt to put Ms. Boleyn in various corners.
But none of that prepares you for the action in Richard 2 Richard Furious. Depressed from the offscreen between-movie death of his true love due to Thanos, Richard gets a PhD in Philosophy, and starts working as a barroom bouncer in New York City. Then, one day, the owner of a bar in Jasper, Missouri comes to Richard with a simple offer: cool his bar, the Double Deuce. It is the most dangerous bar in Missouri. Now, Richard will have to use his training in martial arts and meta-ethical philosophy to ensure that this bar remains calm – by any means necessary. Along the way, he meets and falls in love with Doctor Mary Boleyn, the other Boleyn girl.
Here’s an exclusive clip:
The third film follows the same basic plot of the pre-existing Richard III. However, we have removed all potential discomfort with Richard’s actions throughout. Any action considered immoral will be instead committed by Thanos, a blue CGI monster.
However, we haven’t stopped at the ‘Good’ Shakespeare. We are even adapting the dumb-shit no one likes, like Titus Andronicus and Twelfth Night. Titus Andronicus is going to be kept largely as-is. The only alteration is the addition of Lavinia to the pie eaten by Tamora in Act V.
Bigger changes happen in Twelfth Night. The original draft was transphobic and hateful, and may have been written by a George Soros masquerading as Shakespeare.
We all know the regrettable story there: Viola is shipwrecked and must disguise herself as the male Cesario. We find this handling of gender distasteful. Using cross-dressing as a plot devise is offensive to the real-life struggles of gendered minorities. These wardrobe changes teaches children that clothes may be removed, creating opportunities for premarital sex and abortion.
As such, we have had to remove the plot, characters, and setting of Twelfth Night. It is now a one-man show of Thanos doing ‘Death of a Salesman’.
Here’s an exclusive clip of the new version of Twelfth Night:
Admittedly, we ran out of ideas. Regardless, this is coming soon to a theater near you, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.