Those following the fake-mythology of this blog will recall when we went on Shark Tank. There, as a Guest Shark, Vice President Mike Pence purchased a majority-share in the blog for the low price of 10.1 Billion Rubles.
But, I watched the news today. Trump’s Lawyer, Andy Cohen, just gave sworn testimony accusing the President of most crimes. And, if I remember anything from the years I spent managing the White House (1969-1973), it’s that, when that happens, shit gets messy.
As such, we are cutting ties with anyone who has ever met Trump.
This is now officially a shitstorm. And, just because Freefootballscholarships endorsed Hurricane Irene’s critiscism of Barrack Obama’s failed Obamacare deep-state conspiracy to defraud Pharmaceutical Companies from exciting Joint Venture Opportunities for economic development, doesn’t mean we want to be a part of an unrelated poop cloud.
Personally, I have already begun divorce proceedings against my husband, Roger Stone, and, professionally, we have diluted Mike Pence’s ownership share down to 0.0001%.
This is called “Share Dilution”. We simply issued massive amounts of additional stock, reducing the ownership stake of all existing shareholders.
We framed it as a “Secondary Private Offering to Raise Additional Capital”. This is because Corporations may have multiple types of shares. Many issue one – common shares – but there is no rule that any class of shares must have specific attributes. However, some shares – preferred shares or special shares – which, if properly referenced in the articles of incorporation, can confer special rights to the owner of that share. These include things like “right to vote” and “right to receive dividends”.
So, prior to attending Shark Tank, we reorganized the share capital of this blog to encompass two types of shares. The preferred shares (with all rights of control and dividends), and the Mike Pence Shares (which gave him the right to post two guest blogs).
While the episode was not fully broadcasted, and Mr. Pence’s equity investment was, specifically, edited out. The remainder of the pitch is now available on YouTube. It is below:
As such, to get rid of Mr. Pence, we simply used our voting rights to issue something we called “Fuck the “Mike Pence Shares” Shares”, and then sold them all to Halliburton. The “Fuck the “Mike Pence Shares” Shares” confer even-less power than the Mike Pence Shares did.
All this is part of our “Share the Love” campaign. In a way, we are developing innovative new opportunities for ordinary Americans that run either Monsanto or Halliburton to participate in the content-production of news media. That is free speech, and it’s all allowed under “Citizens United”. Simply, reading this blog is now as patriotic as firing your gun into your beer on the Fourth of July.
As such, with my unilateral power to issue-shares, I kept issuing more and more until the ownership control resulted in:
- Freefootballscholarships: 60%
- Halliburton-Monsanto Urban Apparel: 39.999%
- Vice President Mike Pence: Within the margin of error.
As such, everyone hear at the blog is excited to welcome our new partners at Halliburton-Monsanto Urban Apparel. Together, we are passionate about this opportunity to synergize all available efficiencies to maximize on the execution of deliverables.
Amateur are already describing this innovative new partnership as a change in the composition of share capital. That means, in essence, they are describing this as “Woke” and “Lit”, in a manner that should engage the youth-demographic. Simply, what they are saying is, in Millenial language, “Our Skete Skete is on Fleek Fleek”.
Don’t worry, despite our partnership with Halliburton-Monsanto Urban Apparel and Mining, we will still be providing the same coverage you know and love. We are fair and biased, exactly like our American Subsidiary-Corporation, Fox News.
We promise you, our reader, that we are not going to become a fake news organization like “CNN”, “Steve Bannon”, “Congress”, or the “CBC”.
However, that does not mean we will not use the expertise of our friends at Halliburton-Monsanto Urban Apparel and Mining in order to develop exciting new content
A sneak peak at our future articles include:
- “Schlumberger and the Dow Chemical Company: A Look At How Their Products Are Exactly Like Vaccines in the Sense that They Cause that Same Problem that Vaccines do. Jenny McCarthy (if consulted) may agree!”
- “Are These Companies Causing All the Problems in Your Children’s Lives? Specifically: Agrium (AGU), American Vanguard (AVD); CF Industries Holdings (CF); CVR Partners (UAN); Marrone Bio Innovations; Enron; The Mosaic Company; Potash Corporation of Saskatchewan; Rentech Nitrogen Partners; Syngenta; Terra Nitrogen Company; Eastman Chemical; Dow Chemical; FMC Corporation; Carbo Ceramics; Dynamic Materials Corporation; Weatherford; Baker Hughes; National Oilwell Varco; and Honeywell International. Plus, don’t forget about Schlumberger/Dow Chemicals – they are Fake News!”
- “Breaking News: The March Against Monsanto in Flint Michigan in 2017 Did not Happen. It did not happen. If you think it happened, you are wrong. Stop lying: it did not happen. The Pictures You Saw Were Pictures of Something Else. If you think it happened, You Are Spreading Fake News. Liar!”
- “Citizens of Flint Michigan United in their Appreciation of Monsanto, Halliburton. They volunteer (for payment) at new clothing boutique, which sells Urban Apparel at Great Prices!”
- “Citizens of Flint Michican (Should) Apologize to Monsanto For Stupidly Drinking All that Water. Experts Agree that It’s Pretty Much Their Own Fault and They Were Asking For It.”
As you can see, it will be business as usual.
As you wait for this and all the exciting new content, just remember: war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength!