[Editor’s note: I do not espouse the following views.
This is a faithful reprint of a letter written by a friend of the blog and substantial donor. He is the representative vice-plaintiff in an upcoming class action (of the 40% of Americans that still support Trump) against Robert Mueller. The cause of action is “being very unfair”.
Again, I don’t agree. I sold him 50% equity in this blog when he was guesting on Shark Tank. I am legally barred from identifying him as Mike Pence.
Anyways, another fucking guest entry.]
For millions of years, America and Russia have been two of the greatest countries on Earth. Despite their differences, which the two have handled respectfully and without bloodshed, they have continued to espouse the teachings of Jesus Bible.
This is because, in the Brothers Karamazov, a man pointed out: “Everything is Lawful”. This was because god was dead. Conceptually, physically, whatever. God died. And so white guys like me wrote Leviathan. God dead, blah blah, new god. The new God was the state, public life. The new god was you, and me. Mostly me.
And it’s great to be god. My friend Donald has a gold tapestry of him looking at his other gold tapestry. Mother has a hoarse cast-member of the voice.
But more and more, I think. To quote my biological (unacknowledged) father James Gandolfini, “I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I’m getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over.”
I think about other Vice Presidents. Richard Nixon stopped peace. That must have been fun. Dick Cheney got to invade a couple rubes and sign a waterboard on television. They did some neat things.
What the fuck does Mike Pence get to do? I am not claiming to be Mike Pence.
But if I could look inside his or my head, I would think that I don’t get to do anything. Stand off-center at the inauguration. Lose staff every time my boss does something dumb. Chill with Israel.
I don’t know shit about Israel. They were on the Blacklist, right? They dated agent Navabi and then the guy with the beard who nearly let James Spader’s daughter suffocate in the cube from the CIA director who I think pardoned that daughter for shooting the Attorney General because he was blackmailing James Spader about the CIA Director who was hunting James Spader because the daughter who worked with the girl who worked with Israel was connected to James Spader who was married to this Russian sleeper agent, Tom, who dated this girl, Gina, who was jealous of the daughter because of James Spader who re-appeared mysteriously in the daughter’s life after James Spader told a strange white man who he later killed that he was going to visit FBI for help with his Blacklist.
Can’t you see I’m in over my fucking head?
All I can figure out from that is that Israel is our friend, unless they turn out to be a double-agent next season. And keep in mind, when I say next season, I mean, for you, last season. I am two seasons behind on the Blacklist.
I have no idea what is happening in that video. We’re so fucked, aren’t we?
Sometimes I panic. Sometimes I’m happy. Sometimes I’m Mike. But at all times I don’t know what happens next. I just know it’ll be… austere.
It’ll be uncomfortable, like a polite reckoning. Probably at boomers like me. We’ve just spent so long breaking the ladder or greasing the pole behind us. We had these neat parents, the one with zoomy wars and the boom boom, and then they died or went away for reasons we didn’t really pay attention to.
We didn’t have a war, so we tried to start a few. They didn’t go boom boom like our parents, so we made bigger weapons. To have bigger wars! To do the boom boom like our parents. Then maybe daddy would have came back right.
And so we make these myopic decisions: “defund planet parrothood” based on information we don’t really care about. Every second is an emergency, and every emergency is an opportunity for boom boom. This is why we run for office. Mission accomplished!
But more and more they aren’t watching it. What good is a boom boom if no one is there to say it is bigger than your father’s? Fucking nothing.
Now people are doing things we don’t understand. The Facebook. Microsoft Zune. Heterosexual Anal Sex. There is a television show where we are expected to ‘Keep Up’ with a halphazard gang of vigilante minorities, titled the ‘Kardashians’. It is extremely upsetting.
I clutch at my pearls from the Vice Oval Office.
And I don’t know what to do. Donald wants to build a wall. Romney wants to be nice to other people. Paul Ryan wants to drink himself to sleep. We are a divided party.
Me and Donald are looking for something new to hate, to unite the party. But we’ve already hated and embraced so many things, that there’s nothing left that’s credible. We were thinking about launching a “Fuck Single Moms” advertising campaign, but we realized Reagan already did that with “Welfare Queens”.
And that’s why I think we’re at the end. If you keep jumping from thing to thing, you don’t believe in any of the things. And eventually people realize your performance is pantomime, and stop paying attention. And then they get tired. And then no one shows up at the polls.
And that’s why it’s over for us. They voted us here; we were fashionable, new, and exciting. Like a shoe, America wanted to try us on, and then throw us out.
Poor President Bush. Much like an American Shoe, we turned out to be garbage. Look at the midterms. It’s not that they won, it’s that we lost. And, like the night is darkest before the dawn, the Pence is pensest before the fall.
But, before a fall, there’s a quiet moment. The penumbra of a fall. Where you aren’t falling, but the descent is imminent. We are there, and we wait with bated breath for the fall actual. Mueller indicts Cohen, Manafort, Flynn. Who’s next?
I hope it’s not me. But I worked with those guys, so it probably will be. So, I wait. I watch the Blacklist. Donald is on twitter. President Bush is dead.
I sure hope someone, somewhere, is running the fucking country.