Help Me, I am In Hell: Checking in with the Trump Administration

You might remember the resistance to Trump inside the Trump administration. Then, a resistance formed to that resistance.

I had to resist.

I am part of the resistance that has formed against the resistance’s resistance, inside the Trump administration. I haven’t seen my wife, Karen Pence in days.

Anyways, enough bragging.

Thing are not good.

I blame that stupid joke we kept making about the inauguration. “This was the biggest inauguration in history,” we’d say, expecting laughs. Romney told us it was funny and everyone would get it. Fucking Romney, that goddamn trickster hipster hip-hopped his way back into the Senate. Meanwhile, our new product, “Trump Shovel”  bombed for not being a shovel.

Anyways, the joke was hilarious. “Largest inauguration“, Bannon kept chuckling, “Because our supporters are fatties.” Goddamn Bannon. He snuck out the back window while everyone (except Priebus, who had to work late) were out celebrating Priebus’ brthday.

And yeah, no one got the joke. We didn’t realize it. For like six months. Sean Spicer was losing his mind. He brought that picture, and he’d just show it, saying, “Look. We had the largest inauguration in history. Look at them, the are enormous.”

And of course Spicer didn’t have numbers. We are not allowed to record the weights of audiences. What kind of monsters do you think we are?

I still don’t understand how you don’t understand what we are saying. We had the biggest inauguration in history. We had enormous support. We had the biggest voters in history. We have charts and stuff that say this. Listen to Spicer talk about the ground again. They protected the grass!

Why Is It Like This

I remember growing up us a young man. I don’t know what happened. I used to look out over the meadows of the plantation, saying to myself: “Mike, you’re a big Pence now.”

That’s a documentary I made about my employees. I am the “He” the strange gay is singing about. And it’s crazy to think one day later I became…. well that’s confidential. I am not making any allegation that I am any specific person or vice person, as it may be.

The next day I was sworn in. All my friends were there: Mother, Sean Spicer, End of List. It was the cutest and least gay day of all time. We thought we could change the world. Rex had this crazy plan where he was going to dip refugees into oil. To see what happens! Betsy wanted to ban teaching in schools. Don was going to build a wall!

Then, I got super wasted and wrote that resistance article of the New York Post. Lodestar.

I made it worse when I got drunker the next night and posted here about how I had formed another resistance. Then, immediately, Ivanka formed a resistance with Steve from accounting against my resistance, in favour of the first resistance, so they could use the first resistance as a ploy to influence Trump, who heard of the idea and needed to independently form the best resistance. So he teamed up with Gina Haspel, of all people, to resist Barron.

Knowing things had gone too far, we reached a detente. John Kelly got the West Wing. Barron got the oval office, Donald locked himself in a bathroom and couldn’t find a way out. Then, there was the whole thing with Trump and Spicer.

We accidentally hired a guy, for Secretary of State, that literally turned out to be Hillary Clinton. We don’t have the budget to fire her, and had to hire a different guy to make public appearances. We found this guy, Pompeo, through a raffle based on one lucky fan getting to work in the Trump administration.

Then, the resistance formed to the resistance that had formed inside of the resistance. Someone pointed out that Manafort was Mueller in literally-no disguise. Half of the resistance thought this was a Gingrich ploy, while the other half thought Giuliani was pulling a reverse-Gingrich to out-Marosa Huckabee-Sanders.

It all gets complicated after here. The lawyer guy came back from season one. Remember him? I fucking don’t. Sorry for swearing. Then there was a whole thing where Michael Avenatti and Judge Kavanagh, with the porn-star, right?

Oh god, Judge Kavanagh. Here’s what you guys don’t get. It’s not that we liked him. It’s that there were twenty people on that list that we could pick from. And they were all goddamn psychos. One justice had ruled the constitution unconstitutional. One judge used to hang out at inner city schools and spit on the kids. One judge tortured people.

I don’t mean that they ruled on cases about that, I mean that was their hobby. And they were unapologetic. Oh then, the Russian pee tape. I think that happened then. It’s hard to tell. We’re so tired now. Anyways, it’s all literally true, because it isn’t Trump in the video, it’s me.

Am I Part of the Problem?

In fact, more and more, I think it’s me. Or us. Donald isn’t even trying to govern anymore.

He used to point at books and ask what they said. Then, after explaining it three or four times, Ivanka would get off his lap. What I’m saying is he wanted to feel involved in the process.

Not anymore. He looks out the windows for hours at a time.

This is when I go on his twitter, and give jerks on the internet a piece of my mind. My Fake-Donald is really popular with memes. I think next week “Donald” is going to fight Taco Bell.

It’s great for the news cycle.

I assume that’s why people are covering for us. I mean, none of us are doing our jobs anymore. Jared Kushner is in a medically-induced coma, so, when he wakes, he knows what it feels like to feel “woke”. I think that’s what Ted Cruz meant by New York values.

It’s just all starting to get too predictable. People are paying too much attention to that Mueller guy. Instead of the comeback kids, we’re this big mean government. It sucks.

I want to complain, but who to?

Not Donald. His soupy mind has tribled halfways out. Last week he played a beautiful piano sonata and then tore up the Mexican flag. The last full sentence Donald said was when he whispered to John Kelly, “please don’t go.”

Now he’s gone. Newt Gingrich is back, that’s new. It’s not like he was ever gone, but he’s here now, always. He sleeps curled up like a bat that’s about to pounce.

But, pounce on what? Most of our furniture has been stolen by Conway. Devos leased the East Wing to a charter school that teaches young men how to not get abortions. Most things burnt down when we did the team barbecue. Scarammucci crashed the party and tried to hang. Then someone left the barbecue on and, as I said, most things burned down.

We lost electricity right after. It was part of a conspiracy. Eric Trump thought if he made the white house feel more like Portugal it would make Melania feel at home, as she didn’t have electricity. Eric thought if Mom was happier then Dad wouldn’t have to build the wall around the family.

Regardless, we now have resorted to burning money for warmth. Don’t worry, we have a lot. We should be able to last like six months, as long as we don’t get fucked like we did on the midterms again. We’re not really getting that sweet koch money anymore.

Ugh, I love koch.

Who is In Charge

So that’s the situation. No one is quite sure who’s running things. I can hear Donald playing the harp, quite beautifully, as he also chants what I am pretty sure is a very specific ethnic slur for middle-aged Ukanrian woman.

Oh, and that brings me to Russia. That’s not going well. They got Manafort! They even got Cohen. Who would have thought they would sell us out. Thankfully, we only showed them our shell conspiracy, which we use to hide our real conspiracy, which is that the shell conspiracy is the real conspiracy.

It’s very complicated and smart. I hope it works, because I am out of ideas. Like, seriously, what more can we do? We just did some research into Canada, and so now we are going to re-hire Steve Bannon as Minister of Truth and Reconciliation.

Then, when everyone points out how insane it would be to hire a random nazi for another state’s job, we’ll just get back on the TV again.

It’ll be great. You’ll be so mad, and you’ll read all about it. Then, they’ll do a story about your outrage, and you read all about it. So, I get to go on TV and say whatever I want.

Then you read that too. You won’t notice what we’re actually doing, which is unscrewing the light bulbs and pulling the copper wire from the basement. That’s not a metaphor, that is what I’m literally doing. If you know a guy who will buy this, hit me the fuck up. Things are bad.

But that’s not a good headline. Neither is “Credit Rating Downgraded to Hitler”. That’s why when that happens, we’re going to leak this tape we have of Podesta and Trump meeting an illegal alien. I mean that literally. They had a meeting where Trump was begging Podesta to be chief of staff, and they made first contact with extraterrestrial life.

The tape gets pretty racist.

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