When Democrat Ted “Rodham” Cruz did Benghazi he was doing it for a simple reason: distraction.
A Quick History of Science
You see, science is a discipline, much like jumping. And, exactly like jumping, you can be better or worse at science. This is because jumping relies on inertia: you use the physical force of your body’s conjunction to operate the inercitiy of the neuroplasticity of extra-gravitoral aviation.
Those words I just said were accurate. Do not question them.
This means that, with effort an concentration, you can jump higher or lower.
Ironically the original source for the nebulous concept of ‘science’ comes from the current President of the United States. In 1989, Ivana Trump filed a complaint against her husband, Donald Trump, alleging that Mr. Trump had committed a violent and deplorable sexual assault, against her personally.
Instead of admitting that he had violently raped his wife and that this disgusting and repugnant act was a criminal act worthy of punishment, Mr. Trump instead invented the theory of Science in 2007.
Unfortunately, the meaning of the word “Science” is too nebulous and complicated for regular people to understand. You need a big brain to science, and the big-ass brains with the great science dick are currently employed by the Trump administration.
A Quick History of Space
With help from Mr. Trump, and no help from any member of the Bush family, Ronald Reagan discovered Science during the second fourth-term of his presidency in 2013. Essentially, “Space” refers to the area that is between America and God. It is literally described as it appears – an area of separation.
Donald Trump had sex with all the hot people and then advised Ronald Reagan to describe it as “Space” because “Everything that is not god and USA are no important man… they is space”. This interpretation was supported by Brett Kavanaugh, as return for total indemnity for the debt he allegedly created pretending he bought tickets.
This is why Space is called Space. Trump. Sorry Liberals!
A Quick History of Mercury
Mercury, like Canada, is a planet in the Space. Recently, Trump renegotiated NAFTA (North Andspace Free Trade Agreement) with Mercury, and the citizens of that planet told Mr. Trump they would do all the trade he asked for for half the price, because he was that good at president.
As you may recall, Mercury is a small planet that orbits the sun. It is relatively small (compared to Earth) and was, until relatively recently, the planet to the sun. Therefore, it has the shortest year of any planet (87.97 days) and the second shortest year of any country (in Singapore, the year lasts three days, all of which happen under the guise of darkness).
Immediately upon being sworn in, President Trump and Vice President/Future President Mike Pence made a personal trip to Mercury. There, they met the local natives (who all voted for Trump), and had one of the biggest rallies in history. Rex Tillerson lost his virginity that night. It was fucking great.
A Quick History of the Sun
In a 2007 Documentary, my biological father Danny Boyle released the film ‘Sunshine’.
As you know, in 2007, a gross-ass democrat was President of the United States. This democrat’s name was probably Michael Bloomberg.
Bloomberg looked at the advance polling data for the next election (“Trump: 105%, Bloomberg: -5%) and realized he needed to do something drastic. He also had just watched the film “Day After Tomorrow”, where the world get cold. So, in an effort to win the election, Bloomberg hired a team of pysicists – Cillian Murphy, Rose Byrne, Stormy Daniels – to launch a last-ditch effort to procure victory.
For whatever reason, Bloomberg thought that nuking the Sun would help. So, Actor Cillian Murphy launched a nuclear missile at the sun. As a reward, Bloomberg cast him Dunkirk.
Fortunately, this was simply not successful. Voters did not see the logical nexus between Bloomberg’s nuclear assault on the sun, and a reason to vote for him in the election. If Bloomberg saw a connection, he did not explain it to anyone.
Needless to say, he lost the election.
The Democrat Effort to launch Nuclear projectiles into the Sun has since been dubbed “Benghazi”. Since then, hard-working men, who fuck, have been tirelessly investigating Benghazi.
These men include Donald Trump and Mike Pence, and do not include John McCain. Thankfully, the Republicans did not have to censure John for his thoughtcrimes. Cancer did it for us.
We Have Angered the Sun
While all the Democrats at Fox News and Ted Cruz’s house were distracted by the various allegations that President Donald Trump somehow committed crimes by doing crimes, a much more important story was unveloping in Space.This is because after Mayor President Bloomberg launched a nuclear assault on the Sun, the Sun became angry.
This is because the Sun is a cruel mistress and must be treated with the utmost respect and civility. For generations (the world is 200 years old), we have worshiped and feared the Sun for its musical and mystical qualities.
Essentially, the Sun is beyond the realm of human understanding, and we are foolish for thinking we may stand on the shoulders of giants.
And the Sun Has Responded
In response to the threat of Democrats in the White House, the Sun has since engulfed the Planet of Mercury, rendering it food in a pulpy path of indeterminate destruction. This is because, much like Michael Bloomberg, American Voters were unwise in their various thoughtcrimes and sexual degradation. Specifically, the Sun cited multiple episodes of the HBO show Girls as reason for its engulfment of Mercury.
But this analysis misses the substance of the issue. After being nuked, the Sun decided to watch the next American Election (in 2016) with great interest. The sun loved the white male people of Earth, and sought to see their propagation – but they were not going to let the species develop unchecked. Further, the Sun was displeased when Hilary Clinton technically received three million more votes than Donald Trump. As you know, the Sun endorsed Trump as a candidate, because women make the Sun uncomfortable.
So, then Sun felt that its will was displeased by a combination of the election results and the Netflix Show ‘Insatiable‘. So, the Sun did what any planet orbitting earth would do, and engulfed Mercury as a warning to other planets.
Mercury Literally Does Not Exist Anymore
Liberals in the fake-news media like Ted Cruz or Tom Cruise or my alternative dance group Cruise Contruz might try to tell you that Mercury is a planet out in space. However, this is incorrect liberal mind-control. Essentially, to quote friend-of-the-blog Joseph Goebbels:
“The essential English leadership secret does not depend on particular intelligence. Rather, it depends on a remarkably stupid thick-headedness. The English follow the principle that when one lies, one should lie big, and stick to it. They keep up their lies, even at the risk of looking ridiculous.”
This because what I say, and what you say, need not have as reliable nexus with the truth. We say things we feel to be true, and truth is derived only from our mutual adoration of one another. Facts just just twist the truth around. The essential components of a good lie are nothing more than commitment and distraction. If you say it long enough, it eventually becomes true, and if it is true, it enevitably becomes policy. This is how we sold you dumb-fucks on neoliberalism.
Facts just twist the truth around.
Now, I am about to give you a fact. It may be true, it may not be true. I may believe it, I may not. But I will state it confidently, and you will believe me, because this deep into the article I have deliberately cultivated a rhetorical association with you, dear reader, and you want to believe me.
This is a Fact, What I am About to Say is A Fact, Believe Me
In a nutshell, because you have laboured upon me; you have done the reading, and you already want to believe me to justify the labour you spent doing the reading. This is why everyone loves complicated books. It’s not because those books are better – all Cormac McCarthy sucks, objectively – but because they are harder. And we believe if we did something hard, it is good. This is why Cormac McCarthy is the literary equivalent of walking up a broken escalator.
Anyways, the artifice of this device is that you already believe me. So, I am going to state a statement, and you will react in disbelief. But I will do it personally and humorously, so you think “this guy is like me”. And you think if I’m like you, I think like you, and if I think like you, then I must have a point. This is how Alex Jones structures every single episode of Infowars. This is what Steve Bannon wakes up to do.
So, I am going to state something, and then state it is a fact. You will believe me, because you want to. Then I will give you someone to blame, and you will blame them, because you now believe me. And if you don’t blame them, then you don’t believe me, and are disloyal, and Trump says you must be purged.
Anyways, here is the fact. I am going to state it is true, and that I believe it. I do not. But I will tweet:
“The Sun Has Engulfed Mercury, very unfairly making it not-a-planet and destroying it. Sad! Fake-News Democrats don’t want you to know the truth, and made this happen, with Benghazi. This is what Hilary was hiding in her emails!”
Then, when you have had time to react in shock, I will tweet:
“Just Got News that Mercury Was in Retrograde When Crooked Hilary Clinton caused Planet Engulfment. Retrograde is Pregnancy for Planets… New Planets Would Cause More Jobs for Christians. Lock Her Up!!!”
Then, I will tweet:
“Honest Veterans Fought For American Lives for Freedom and American way! GREAT. Crooked Nasty Woman Nuked Sun! Gay!”
Then, I will tweet:
“Liberals in mainstream media trying to lie. Newsflash: YOU LOST! Now Mercury doesn’t exist: thanks… not! Loser Democrats Destroy Planets.”
Then, I will tweet:
“Liberal Encouragement of Sun Engulfment of Mercury Makes We Want to Repeal Roe v Wade! Liberal GDP down Conservative GDP yas! I saw Obama doing gay stuff.”
And then the media will report:
“Noted political figure claims to have seen former President Obama ‘doing gay stuff’. Enjoy our round-panel discussion about what gay-stuff we speculate President Obama may have done”.
And no one notices that I just convinced 60 million people that Mercury doesn’t exist anymore. And that is how we got Trump.