Trump Legal News: Everything Great!!!

In the song, “Don’t Trump Me”, American visionaries 3OH!3 wrote:

She wants to Trump me, woo ooh / She wants to love me, woo ooh / She’ll never leave me woo ooh, woo ooh, ooh ooh / Don’t Trump her, never Trump her, / Won’t Trump her ’cause She won’t Trump me

This song describes the destruction of the family unit, directly caused by Fake-News-Fake-Lawyer-Spiralling-Volcano-Dick Robert Mueller’s fake investigation of very good President Trump.

Essentially, Robert Mueller, who literally maybe doesn’t even have a great dick, is accusing PRESIDENT Trump of a variety of crimes including:

  1. Being “Too Cool for School”
  2. Winning the Election
  3. Negotiating a Great Deal with Russia
  4. Treason

Now, this article will offer a careful and moderated look at the case against Trump. It will not, howver, indulge the fake news homosexual agenda of Liberal Socialist Communist Enemy of Israel Robert Reverse-Funnel-Shaped-Dick Mueller. If he wanted to be relevant to this conversation, he should have gone back in time and had a better dick.

Specifically, I will analyze two fake situations in relation to Trump. In both instances, I will explain how Trump has done nothing wrong and you have done something wrong in questioning him and that he is yas, and you are nas.

1. Stormy Daniels

Ironically, Robert Mueller’s mediocre but also overlong dick plays an important role in nearly all the allegations against President/Prescient Trump.

It is alleged that President Trump encouraged Friend of the Blog and Great Humanitarian Stormy Daniels to sign a non-disclosure agreement. Further, the lawyer who arranged the agreement (Michael Cohen), has been found guilty of campaign finance violations, and named Trump as a co-conspirator.

Essentially, Trump directed Cohen to divert campaign funds to a holding corporation. The holding corporation then used the funds as consideration for Daniels enterring into the Non-Disclosure Agreement.

Is this illegal? Yes, that is why Michael Cohen was found guilty of breaking the law.

Did Trump do it? Probably, yes. He is named as a co-conspirator in an offense for which someone is going to prison.

Is it okay though? YES. Something Unemployed Liberals in the fake-news media that is both too semitic but also not enough Pro-Israel are allging that jut because these men have committed crimes, they should go to prison.

Unfortunately, this is fake news.

Something those liberals don’t realize is a simple fact pattern

  1. Robert Mueller was born August 7, 1944.
  2. Stormy Daniels was born March 17, 1979.

The facts of the matter is that both Stormy Daniels and Robert Mueller have been alive, as adults, at the same time. It would be physically possible for them to have had sex at some point. Perhaps Mueller has an open relationship with his wife.

Regardless, if that occurred, then Ms. Daniels would have first-hand knowledge of Mr. Mueller’s spindly and overlong dick.

Therefore, it would be reasonable for Mr. Trump to assume that Ms. Daniels may have been privy to the veracity of the strangeness that is Robert Mueller’s fascinating penis.

Therefore, Mr. Trump offered under the reasonable assumption that news of “Horrifying-Enigma-Dick Mueller” may get out in the tabloids. Literally, the only reasonable action, that ALL OF US WOULD HAVE TAKEN, would be to embezzle campaign funds to encourage Ms. Daniels to sign a non-disclosure agreement regarding how unsettling and emmintently-floppy I imagine that dick may be.

Essentially, Trump was only acting to defend a fellow Republican from public ridicule. He had intelligently in a smart-as-fuck way seen what happened to Anthony Weiner several years previously, and may have erroneously assumed that there was a remote possibility that Mueller and his apocryphally unsettling reproductive organ may be involved in the scandal.

While Liberals want Trump to be convicted of this crime, liberals also wanted dipshits like Ted Cruz and Mitt Romney to become president. Sad!

Therefore, the only reasonable analysis of the jurisprudence concludes that Donald Trump is not guilty. YAS!

  1. Collusion With Russia

Listen, lots of dumb people who aren’t pro-Israel in any significant regard are alleging that Trump colluded with Russia to win the election.

In the support of this gay agenda, Liberals in the fake-news media point to situations in which Donald Trump has colluded with Russia to win the election.

For example: they cite the meeting Don Jr. had with Russia and requested information on Hilary Clinton, when Don Sr. requested information on Hilary Clinton on national television, or when Donald Trump fired the FBI director for investigating Trump’s association with Russia in the electoral cycle.

Again, these are things that happened. And while they might be nasty words like “collusion” or “treason” under the criminal code, that does not mean that they are crimes.

This is because, to say that someone is a criminal, they must be convicted of a criminal offense. By investigating Donald Trump, enigma-shaped-question-dick Robert Mueller is implying that Donald Trump is a criminal.

However, outreaching-spider-begging-for-its-mother-ensared-in-a-collapsing-web-Dick Robert Mueller has not convicted Donald Trump of a crime! Therefore, in unferling-malnourished-flattened-rattlesnake-Dick Robert Mueller’s eyes, Donald Trump should not be considered a crime.

Literally, with this information established, as evidence, the only possible decision would be for Half-Eaten-Popsicle-Melting-in-A-Vice-Grip-Dick Robert Mueller to cancel the investigation.

But he very unfairly has not and should apologize to the entire Trump family.

Especially Ivanka.

3. Conclusion

I have fairly and unambiguously weighed the case against Donal Trump. Verdict: INNOCENT

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