I have four beautiful children and some of them are still alive. I have never been convicted of a crime (what happened to Heather looked an awful lot like a suicide) so unless I’m some sort of Robert Durst level mastermind that means I’m probably innocent, right?
Anyyyways, during my many years when I was legally considered a parent (I still have a son, Gary, but we don’t talk after I burned him real good for some reason I just can’t remember), I picked up a few skills in how to be a great parent.
I see a lot of people out there giving a go at parenting and just fucking it up, raising do-nothing liberals and autists. Suddenly everyone is a DJ, out raving and doing drugs like ecstasy when they should be working at the mill. Gary approached me one day about becoming a DJ, once, and so I staged a suicide to teach him a lesson. He didn’t approach me again.
So, to combat this rash of bad parenting, I am prepared to pass along my 100% effective parenting tips. Obviously, freefootballscholarships does not endorse child abuse in any form. Any criminal or abusive action is morally repugnant and worthy of condemnation, regardless of the circumstance. But, like, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life.
Anyways, here’s how you should live your life:
- No Fatties: this year, at the freefootballscholarships corporate retreat in Enderby, British Columbia, we here at ffs re-committed to our longstanding “no fatties” corporate philosophy. This is a value that has made us extremely successful in the professional world, and we believe it should extend into our personal lives, as well. Specifically, with our children. It’s very important to have your personal life be a reflection of your professional life, and this means No Fatties. Now, ffs would never suggest abandoning your child and starting afresh and nor would we suggest any sort of repugnant behavior. But sometimes, to live up to your goal of No Fatties, you have to take steps to extradite yourself from potentially volatile situations. Just ask Robert William Latimer.
- Tell Your Child You Love Them, But Not Through Words or Actions: it’s very important that your child feel that they are loved by their parents. I never once communicated in any way to Heather that she was loved by anyone (I would often say the opposite) and I think that’s a big part of why her suicide was staged. So, you should in some way communicate this love to your child so they are aware that it exists. Just don’t vocalize or act on your feelings or any fucking dumb shit like that. Feelings should be kept inside, like a snake locked in a cage buried underground.
- Or, if you Don’t Love Your Child, Provide Them With Constructive Feedback on How to Improve: I have never had a positive feeling towards Kenzie, my only still-living daughter (followers of the blog know that there are others, but so far none of those bastards have successfully proven it in a court of law). One thing I’d often do with Kenzie, before she ran away, was sit her down and give her excruciatingly long powerpoint presentations on why I don’t love her and provide feedback on how to improve (“Step 1: Marry a Trump, preferably Barron”). Personally, I think this was a productive exercise.
- Tell Your Child They Are Not as Good As Ivanka Trump: I don’t care how good you think your dumb kid is, but no one in the entire world is as good a daughter or as good a child as Ivanka Trump. She is the gold standard by which all other children are weighed. Your child will never be as good as Ivanka Trump, and telling them of this over and over (and shouting it at them as they attempt to sleep) will help them be able to realistically appraise their situation.
- Bribe Your Children’s Teachers: Your child shouldn’t be distracted by dumb nerd shit like “books” and “learning”. Instead, they should be out there with the Eric Trumps of the world, being white and dope and doing what fucking ever. However, your children still need to graduate law school so as not be an embarrassment. The simplest way to accomplish this is simply to bribe the academic staff so that your child gets an easy pass. You can also extort them if you have the leverage.
- Don’t Be Afraid to Revoke Their Hallway Punch Pass: now, Children know they are not allowed to use the hallways without their hallway punch pass. But this hallway punch pass is a privilege, not a right, and it is up to your discretion as when to revoke it. If you feel that it would be prudent to revoke your child’s hallway punch pass, don’t be afraid to do so. Just remember to feed them once they find themselves confined to a room!
- Vaccinate Your Children So They Don’t Become Artistic: the liberal arts are a disease that infect the mind of innocent young conservatives and twist them into gay DJs. An easy way to stop your children from becoming artistic is to vaccinate them against this terrible disease.
- Buy Apple EarPods: it’s just never a bad idea.