[Previous articles in this series include, amongst others: How to Score a Perfect 180 on the LSAT, How to Cure Depression, How to Get Rich Quick, How to Tell if Your Man Be Cheatin, and How to Lose Weight While Feeling Great.]
Now, originally this was set to be another installment of our wildly unpopular “Reader Mail” series. But, I noticed that all the letters we were receiving had very similar themes. It was stuff like this:
There’s a cute boy that I work with in the white house. How can I tell if he likes me?
My daughter’s husband, Jared, is a very cute boy! I think he might like me, but I don’t want to act on it until I know for sure? How do I know?
Or even this:
Back when I ran Trump Tower I worked with another real estate developer named Charles Kushner. This was before I cameoed in the movie Home Alone 2. Charles had a cute lil’ boy named Jared. Smash cut to 2016 and I noticed while I was running for President that Jared GOT HOT. He’s what I’d call a cute boy, definitely. Anyway, we work very closely together and I noticed the other day he was being more flirtatious than usual. I think he might have a crush, but I want to know for certain.
Now, putting aside that all these emails seemed to come from the same email address (firstname.lastname@example.org), this is an important issue that effects lots of our readers. Cute boys are extremely confusing creatures. It’s not always easy to tell whether or not cute boys actually like you or they’re just trying to win a bet that they can turn anyone into the Prom Queen within six weeks.
But, there are some key signs that allow you to pinpoint to a scientific certainty whether a cute boy likes you:
- He Married Your Daughter, Ivanka: one of the most frustrating parts of cute boys is that they frequently lack confidence, me especially. If you’re a big Manhattan real estate developer with his own show on NBC, cute boys might worry that you’re out of their league and not approach you directly. In such cases, cute boys often resort to subterfuge; Gatsby threw parties hoping Daisy might walk in, and Kushner married Ivanka. They do this to get closer to you because they like you; it’s a subversive way to stay in your life, so when they work up the confidence they can finally ask you out.
- You Met on Grindr: now, one of the main ways that cute boys meet potential partners is through popular internet dating app Grindr. Cute boys simply do not use these apps unless they are looking for a partner. It’s simple, really. The same is probably true of Tinder, though ffs obviously does not approve or endorse that app.
- He Tells You He Likes You and When Confronted He Somehow Keeps His Story Straight: one of the key ways that the more confident cute boys use to tell people they like that they do, in fact, like them, is through auditory vocalization. Essentially, they walk up to you and say, “I like you”. However, you need to remember that most cute boys are likely only doing so to win a She’s All That Prom Queen nerd-style bet and do not, in fact, like you. This is why it’s best to confront the cute boy, often violently, for a period of several months after the initial incident.
- He Pays Your Ransom: cute boys are not in the business of paying ransoms of people they don’t like! An uninterested cute boy would sooner let you die than have to pay out of pocket.
- You Have Kidnapped Him and Tortured Him in Your Basement for a Period of Several Months and Now He Has Lost All Hope and Must Rely on You and Only You for Support: this is a surefire way to see if a cute boy likes you! Ffs would never and does not support criminal activity of this sort, but this does not change the fact that Stockholm syndrome is a very real thing.
- He Listens to Your Dumb Shit: let’s face it. You say some dumb fucking shit and there’s really only one reason to listen to it. It’s because that cute boy likes you. Exception: if you are President of the United States, he is probably just listening to you because of that.
- Bloodletting: this is one of those things that’s just almost always a good idea. I really don’t know how it would help, but I can almost guarantee that it wouldn’t hurt.
- He is a Spooky Ghost: it’s a well-documented fact that after people leave this world they become spectres that roam the earth. In this state, the modern ghost can do anything! The fact that they have chosen to haunt you, specifically, is an unimpeachable sign of interest.