As y’all know, freefootballscholarships has recently replaced fake-news CNN in the White House Press Corps. Since then, business has been booming! Billions of Americans are tuning in to read ffs every day and, frankly, we’re struggling to keep up with demand. This is why we’ve made the decision to expand.
Since opening in 1914, ffs has had a storied tradition of excellence. We have provided guidance and editorial content to Americans of all walks of white-life since the start. We have received essentially every journalistic award out there, including the Steve Bannon Award for Technical Competency.
Some of America’s best and most noted thinkers and journalists have worked here. Our stellar staff includes or has included Mark David Chapman, John Wayne Gacy, Jared Kushner, and, of course, Jonbenet Ramsey. Ffs has been an amazing launching pad; President Kushner has directly said through secret Russian backchannels that ffs allowed him the opportunity to run for and win the American Presidency.
Now, we are pleased to announce that ffs is expanding! We are looking to add several non-Jap members to our growing ideally all-white heterosexual family. Much like Blake, Cassels, & Graydon, ffs is an equal-opportunity employment-application accepter. Literally anyone can apply and send in their resume. This is excepting, of course, japs. Fortunately or unfortunately, ffs has a keen knowledge of history. We have not forgiven the Japanese for Pearl Harbor and we don’t imagine that we will any time soon.
We get a lot of questions about how we assess candidates. Obviously, ffs is the most desirable place to work in America. One of the most important ways in which we screen potential applicants is to assess “fit”. It’s very important that you fit in with ffs culture. We want the type of person we can get along with. To assess fit, we ask the same questions you’d see at any major law firm:
- Are you white?
- If no, what is your excuse?
- Can you act suitably white?
- No Japanese.
These questions (and, I guess, one statement) allow us to really determine whether you’d harmoniously fit in at ffs. In fact, most of your interview at ffs is based around a simple, friendly conversation. We want to know who you are. We want to know where in Connecticut you’re from and where in the Hamptons you vacationed. Ffs is a people-focused enterprise, and we want to make sure we have the right people on board; degenerates (and japs!) need not apply.
Now, this isn’t the only avenue for joining ffs. We also have the Freefootballscholarships Student Development Program. Through this exciting new program, ffs takes on fifteen postdoctoral students for unpaid internships for the summer to ostensibly compete for one permanent position that we often cite fake budgetary reasons to leave unfilled. This allows postdoctoral students the opportunity to develop real-life skills working sixteen hours a day as cheap, disposable labour. It also allows students the opportunity to engage in extensive professional development qand generate interesting work that will equip them for their future careers. Just not with us! The permanent position is a carrot on a stick that we rip away at the last second. But we don’t tell our students that! Plus, even then it wouldn’t really matter; it’s not like arts degrees have any other options. It’s an owner’s market. Fuck you, I got mine.
So, apply now to join ffs! We have exciting offices in New York, New York, Enderby, British Columbia, Houston, Texas, and Whitelaw, Alberta. Each of our offices has an identical floorplan and is ran by shockingly similar overweight folksy white guys named Bill. While some of our Bills do have noticeable differences (New York Bill has a red tie while Houston Bill’s tie is maroon), you can walk into any ffs and (as long as you’re not a jap!) feel at home, as long as your home has cold aspen floors and you do not make eye contact or talk to anyone.
Join today! Just email a quick resume to email@example.com and we will take a look at it. Just write a quick note, including your height (no tallies!), your weight (no fatties!), your parents’ bank statements (no poor), your birth certificate (no japs, as I’ve said), your University diploma (no bush league bullshit; Ivy or better), several pictures of yourself (no uggos), a description of your skin tone (salmon or lighter), your political affiliations (NO LIBERALS), and a prose-poem about your love of Trump.
All these are standard requirements.