As you know, I work in the film industry. Billions of pitches cross my desk every single day. Some are great (Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian) while some are ill-advised (The Fuhrer in Georgetown). Regardless, I’ve picked the best pitches and assembled them here for your reading pleasure:
After Earth 2: Girls Night Out!: This would be a sequel to the 2013 box office bomb After Earth. Taking place concurrently with the original After Earth, this film would feature an all-female cast, just like Bridesmaids! It would star Jada Pinkett and Willow Smith as a mother-daughter duo, attempting to navigate the wild and crazy world all alone while Will and Jaden Smith are away for the events of After Earth 1.
Pay It Forward Versus Jason: Pay it Forward was a 2000 drama where Haley Joel Osment is an adorable young child who does good deeds and befriends Kevin Spacey. It’s cute. Here’s the trailer:
Anyways, at the end of the movie, Haley Joel is brutally stabbed and murdered by a gang of bullies while Kevin Spacey watches. Bummer! This sequel/cross-over would take place eighteen years later, as Kevin Spacey has spent the last eighteen years training himself in the martial arts and preparing to revenge Haley Joel. All of the bullies are meeting (along with fifteen or so scantily clad eighteen year olds) at Camp Crystal Lake for a bonfire bonanza. Kevin Spacey uses this as the perfect opportunity to take them all down at once. The only problem is that Camp Crystal Lake has long been the turf of famous Serial Killer Jason Voorhees and he doesn’t take too kindly to someone else killing on his turf. All this leading to a final confrontation between Jason and Spacey where everyone else is just collateral damage.
Erin: A gritty reboot of Erin Brockovich with Jurnee Smollet in the Julia Roberts role. Meet Erin, an urban, down on her luck, ambiguously black young woman. Working as a taxidermist at the hip-hop club, Erin is shocked to find that the Hip Hop club has been secretly contaminating the ground water with hexavalent chromium. Now Erin, working together with her hip, young lawyer, Blaze (played by Taye Diggs), must work together to bring down this evil empire.
Golf Big Hands: A heartbreaking look at the life of a man living through and with a disability. Eddie Redmayne plays Golf Spigurs, a dainty young Englishmen borne with gigantic clown hands. Bullied since a child, Golf has always wanted to be an artist but his hugely huge hands have always been an obstacle. Can he overcome his disability to be the best at painting?
Brotherhood: For The Love of The Money – The Death of Socrates: This would star Vin Diesel as Socrates and Ludacris as Euthyphro. It would combine the dense historicism of something Amadeus with the frantic pacing Crank 2: High Voltage. It would take place immediately after Apology, where Socrates has been sentenced to death. Socrates decides he needs to pull one last big score before he dies, so he decides to steal the Declaration of Independence. He puts together a team of safecracker Euthyphro (Ludacris), logistics expert Meletus (Terry Crews), pickpocket Glaucon (Sam Rockwell), smoothtalker Adeimantus (Ryan Hansen), young protege Pla and lastly, his right hand man Thrasymachus (Tyrese Gibson).
Honky Talking: This intense biopic would follow the life of celebrated film and television actor Freddie Prinze Jr. (Eddie Redmayne would play this role). From his early days on Scooby Doo to his later days on Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, from his christening highs to his crushing lows, from his early successes to his later successes, this four hour movie would teach America everything we need to know about FPJ.