Advice For Democratic Presidential Candidates

Now, much like Ted Cruz, I’m one of those silly Canadians. But ever since we elected real-life hair model Justin Trudeau as our Prime Minister, I’ve grown bored with our political climate. It’s fine over here. But, since then, I’ve been watching the American election with bemused partial-interest.

But the Democrats just seem a little lost. Like they’re not sure exactly where to go; like ducks swimming in a tupperware container. So, obviously, it’s time for ffs to weigh in on this ongoing debacle, and provide the advice the candidates need to hear.

Starting from the Top:

1. Martin O’Malley: It’s difficult to call your presidential campaign over because it never really started. Now, I’m skeptical as to whether you ever really intended to win or even compete—it seems like the campaign was, at the start, just to raise your profile after the whole governorship didn’t particularly work out—but it’s difficult to spin 2.2% into a legitimate reason to carry on. For perspective, you’re polling at the same level as Mike Huckabee. Even Maryland doesn’t like you.

So what do you do, Martin? Where are we now? Go to the bathroom and splash some water on your face. Ask yourself, what does Martin want? Do you want to be President? Why do you want to be president? So you can stand up on a big stool and get yelled at by weird penguin-people like Ted Cruz? There a lot of other things you can do. Try yoga. Make a WordPress blog where you post pictures of teenage boys and criticize their outfits. There are other things in this world. Like birds, Martin! Do you know how many birds there are in this world? There are so many. Count them.

2. Bernie Sanders: Readers of this blog know that I have a Doctorate of Philosophy in Political Science. That makes me a licensed expert. Now, there was one little boy in one of my courses who, whenever given the chance to talk, would scream nonsense about the “one percent” and how income inequality was the most important issue facing the world today. In fact, this boy was so focused on this one issue that he literally didn’t talk about anyone else. No one took him seriously and, some years later, that boy died alone.

You know why, Bernie? Because inequality isn’t particularly bad. A lot of people provide a lot more value to society than others and they deserve to be compensated for that. The greater compensation incentives a lot of people to work harder, provide a little more. Christ, I’d never leave my house if I didn’t have to find a way to pay for all the croissants I buy and don’t eat.

Now, the American context has gotten a little silly. The top of society has been compensated disproportionately to the value they give. Individuals, like Romney-style capitalists, are being compensated despite the fact that they provide no value. These are issues that someone really ought to be addressing.

But it’s not you, sport. These thing are really complicated and you just seem to shout slogans, over and over, without nuance or subtlety. It creates a sort of regressive “Us Versus Them” dynamic that encourages adversarial conflict over mutually beneficial compromise.

And when you use these slogans, Bernie, about how you’re going to fix all the things by going after the “one percent”, no one believes you. You’re a junior Senator from Vermont with a simple vision and no real experience. You’re popular with college kids because they sign on the line without reading the details.

So what do you do? Whenever you open to your mouth to talk about the economy, just don’t. Talk about anything instead. Talk about baseball. Bush 2 got elected because he was, in the eyes of the American people, a cool guy to get a beer with. Clinton got elected because he could play saxophone. Reagan got elected because he was a cowboy. Luckily, you don’t need to be smart to be president. You don’t need to be realistic to be president. You don’t need to be sensible to be president. You just need to be groovy.

So stop talking so much, Bernie. Just be groovy.

3. Lincoln Chafee: I think if you come back into the race before New Hampshire you’re definitely going to win.

4. Hilary Clinton: It must be hard, isn’t it? To be so obviously the right choice, the only choice, and to have to go through this whole ordeal. The Republicans range from pure human evil (Ted Cruz) to sleeping turtle (Jeb Bush) and the best the Democrats could do is an independent (Sanders) and a banjo player (O’Malley). But still, people don’t like you. A whole lot of people hate you.

But people hate a ton of things. It’s okay. My partner is anemic and she has to take iron supplements. They’re dreadful, they taste awful. She hates taking them but she knows if she doesn’t then she might die. That’s what you are to America; you’re the right, responsible choice. You’re the political equivalent of doing your taxes on time or phoning your mother on the weekends. Maybe consider changing your campaign slogan to “America, take your goddamn medicine”.

And so, here’s my advice: keep on truckin’. Sanders will tire himself out, like a duck and O’Malley will fade back into the wallpaper from whence he came. This is the hard part. You’ve got to listen to all the Democrats pretend to hate you and then you’re going to have to listen to them pretend they’ve always been your biggest champions. Try not to roll your eyes so hard it gives you an embolism.

3 thoughts on “Advice For Democratic Presidential Candidates

  1. This was very informative, especially for people who live in other countries and aren’t following American politics. Now I am informed.


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