15 Reasons Paul Ryan Should Hire Me as his Chief of Staff

1. I am willing to believe anything if you pay me to believe it.

2. Honest. Hard-working. Jackhammer. Only one of these words describe me, and I welcome the American people to find out which one.

3. I recognize that politics is to morality what golfing is to cooking. Unrelated.

4. I was for it before I was against it.

5. Throughout my years in the private sector, I have spent years in the private sector. This allows me to trade on my experiences in the private sector when appealing to the private sector. As such, I am uniquely qualified to work with and against lobbyist of and pertaining to the private sector.

6. I do not accept cash bribes (cheque, credit, or bonds).

7. As a millennial, I have unique insight into the youths of today and can thusly appeal to their demographic (kids love selfies and ghosts, hate salt and pepper). This means that if Mr. Ryan were to run for president, I would be an asset in mobilizing support in a key demographic.

8. I have never lost a political campaign.

9. I recognize that social services are only important if they’re literally helping me right now. If they aren’t, I agree they should be cut. Poor people shouldn’t have the advantages I’ve had.

10. I have an academic background in Christian literature and can thusly cite scripture on demand in order to appeal to wasps.

11. I never sleep because sleep is the cousin of death.

12. My resume is a PDF so it maintains formatting on different computers, as opposed to .docx which poses difficulty to the end user.

13. I, too, work out, and if appointed Future Speaker Ryan’s Chief of Staff will spot him at the gym and provide him with positive written and verbal feedback.

14. The Republicans are currently stuck in a sort of negative feedback loop where they let their blinding hatred of Hilary Clinton lead them to supply her with free airtime and a platform to defend herself which, of course, helps her campaign. I would change the message: instead of focussing on Clinton, the Ryan administration would focus on our new Speaker, creating a cult of personality analogous to what occurred with Ronald Reagan in 79/80. In short, I would shoot footage of Speaker Ryan at the gym with a GoPro and play it before Congress, all the while shouting: “Paul Ryan, STRONG leader.”

15. As a fashion expert, I would supply Speaker Ryan with all the suits and red ties necessary to lead the house.

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