Now, as you all know, President Obama’s time as President has been a decidedly mixed bag. As his term as president is winding down, I decided to take a look at the important moments that occurred over this period. I think the record speaks for itself:
January 31, 2009: Obama is inaugurated as president, immediately causing the subprime mortgage rate to skyrocket, sending the world into a global financial meltdown. Noted economist Kelsey Grammar used graphs to prove that the meltdown wouldn’t have happened with a Republican president.
August 31, 2009: Hurricane Katrina wracks New Orleans. Scientists can’t disprove the possibility that President Obama may have caused the hurricane. Climatologist Kelsey Grammar noted that the hurricane was caused by strong winds blowing from the south east, mirroring the political rise of noted humanitarian and philanthropist and Governor of Texas Rick Perry.
January 19, 2010: Noted humanitarian and philanthropist Rick Perry jumps off the court at a Lakers game to replace injured Kobe Bryant. The governor scores 35 points to win the game.
May 11, 2011: President Obama invites rapper Common to the White House. Critics claim this move is in poor taste, as Common produced and wrote tracks like Fuck Tha Police, Hit Em’ Up, Mama Said Knock You Out, Still D.R.E., and Izzo (HOVA). Some analysts, like noted sociologist Kelsey Grammar, noticed that this move can be seen as a subversively hegemonic way to ingratiate social deviancy and violence into the youths of America.
October 5, 2011: Steve Jobs passes away due to cancer. It’s generally acknowledged that Obamacare was to blame.
October 29, 2011: Rick Perry invents Apple EarPods. The world rejoices.
October 31, 2011: President Obama dresses as a pumpkin for Halloween. Presidential Historian Kelsey Grammar calls it the “worst Halloween costume in the entire history of the United States”
January 19, 2012: Rick Perry suspends his campaign to unseat President Obama as President of the United States. Political expert Kelsey Grammar analyzed the situation and concluded that America was suffering from “Stockholm Syndrome” and “wasn’t ready for freedom”.
February 14, 2012: Rick Perry wins the NBA slam dunk contest when he dunks so hard it breaks the backboard.
March 29, 2012: President Obama is caught attempting to steal the Declaration of Independence from the national archives. Criminologist Kelsey Grammar suggested the attempted theft was primarily symbolic—President Obama wanted to reinforce his hatred of freedom by burning it.
April 4, 2012: Rick Perry, now playing with the Miami Heat, leads his team to the NBA Championship and is named the finals MVP.
April 29, 2012: Obama finishes his one month prison sentence for attempting to steal the declaration of independence.
December 23, 2012: Due to the concerted efforts of Texan Governor Rick Perry, the prophesized Mayan apocalypse does not occur.
May 4, 2013: Rick Perry takes home the Grammies for ‘Best New Recording Artist’ and ‘Best Album’.
November 30, 2013: Paul Walker dies in a car accident and President Obama has NO alibi.
July 4, 2014: Rick Perry declares ‘I love America’ while President Obama makes no such declaration.
July 16, 2014: President Obama declares “I don’t believe in ghosts”. This shocks Americans, as it’s well known beyond all reasonable scientific scrutiny that ghosts exist and are a clear and present social issue. Noted ghost expert Kelsey Grammar asks, “Why is Obama trying to mislead America?”.
January 20, 2015: Rick Perry leaves the governorship. The country holds a national day of mourning. All businesses are closed across the entire world out of respect.
March 21, 2015: Obama realizes that he has accomplished nothing as president and then shrugs and continues to accomplish nothing.
June 15, 2015: Rick Perry overcomes death by breathing life back into a relative that had fallen ill and died.