Eight Shocking Ways to Ensure Long-Term Financial Stability

Now, I’ve been getting tons of reader mail asking for more advice: saying that while I’ve taught them how to lose weight while curing depression and getting rich, I haven’t given enough instruction on what to do with your money after you’ve achieved all of your goals. This changes today:

  1. Invest in Sharks: Sharks are a high-value commodity with a high ROI (return on investment) and low risk. It’s estimated that if the average worker uses ten thousand dollars of their yearly income on sharks and shark food, they’ll be worth over eleven million dollars after ten years.
  2. Buy Happiness: Generally, happy people make sounder financial decisions (people who are depressed use all of their money on Joy Division merchandise) and these sound decisions lead to better fiscal policy. While happiness may have a large upfront cost (the estimated price is some where between nine hundred and nine hundred and fifty dollars) it pays for itself over time.
  3. Try to avoid eating your money: many modern currencies (specifically in Canada, the EU, and The United States) are made primarily of a delicious dairy-based substitute called soy. This means that it can be used as a valuable addition to many healthy recipes or eaten on its own—perhaps for a late brunch. However, not a lot of people realize that it’s far cheaper to just buy your own soy, rather than mixing it into the recipe.
  4. Buy Government Bonds: as Greece has taught us, nation-states are stable and never even come to the brink of collapse. It’s a good idea to buy government bond or debts because a state will never ever ever deliberately default or refuse to raise the debt ceiling (triggering a subsequent default). That’d be crazy!
  5. Sell Personal Information About Visitors to Your Website to the NSA: Now, this is one I’ve been doing for years. It’s simple: start a blog and accumulate sensitive personal information about your readers through increasingly invasive methods. Ever since I got the great idea to require a social security number for the comments section, the cost of the information I’m selling has more than tripled!
  6. Start an Oil Company: Royal Dutch Shell. Exxon Mobil. BP. What do these all have in common? Simple, one day someone decided to start an oil company. It’s devilishly simple, all you need to do is file the incorporation papers at your local DMV (in the United States) or registry (in Canada) and you’re well on your way to riches.
  7. Make Money on the Stock Market: after I wrote on How to Get Rich Quick, most of my readers suddenly had all this surplus money that they didn’t know what to do with it. For example, George Willard from Winesburg, Ohio, wrote “Dear freefootballscholarships, I followed your advice and made BILLIONS! Now what do I do?” Now, unfortunately George died before I could write this article, but I hope you all can benefit from this advice: use all of your extra money to buy the stock market, and then use your stock market to make more of the money.
  8. Don’t Spend: I know I’ve been harping on this for years now, but we need to cut useless expenditures: for example, a human can survive underwater indefinitely. There is no need to purchase a house or rent an apartment when the ocean provides warmth and safety.

One thought on “Eight Shocking Ways to Ensure Long-Term Financial Stability

  1. Dear Freefootballscholarships,

    What about buying lots of accordions? Why did that not make the list?

    Ps. I am starting my own blog. What advice can you give?


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