Ever since I lost 13 pounds in the summer of 2011, my friends and family have been coming to me for weightloss advice. Now the shear volume of their requests has led me to outline an easy ten step program. Follow it to the letter and you, too, could lose 13 pounds.
1. The first step of any dieting plan is mental. You need to get into the right frame of mind in order to lose weight (and feel great!). I recommend a large dose of ativan. Taken three or four times a day, this miracle drug will prevent cravings, and allow you to feel nice and breezy.
2. Buy a pineapple or other sweet fruit and cut it into triangular slices. Each side of the triangle represents the father, the son, and the holy spirit, respectively. Do not eat the pineapple, but rather keep it with you throughout your day-to-day life, ensuring that the holy trinity will be there to support you.
3. There’s a lot of social stigma against ‘eating disorders’. This is done by the hegemonic elite who want to prevent people from taking ‘short cuts’ to the perfect body. If you eat too much, don’t be afraid to throw it all back up, and if you don’t eat at all, salud.
4. Tying into three, it’s a myth that the human body needs more than 58 Calories a day. Any more than that, and you’re just packing on the fat.
5. Release a colony of spiders into your fridge.
6. Friends, family, and significant others will often intervene when they feel that you are posing a health risk to yourself. If they see that you have stopped eating, they will try to force you to eat. Now, this can’t happen. Food is the enemy! It’s best to remove these people from your life lest they ruin your diet.
7. If you happen to see a black cat cross your path, you need to track it down and befriend the owner or the bad luck will ruin any diet.
8. Often, we will find reasons to avoid doing cardio in our day-to-day lives. As such, the only way to force yourself to do cardio is to put yourself in positions where you need to run. I’ve found that the best way to do this is to attempt to steal bear cubs from the mother. The weight of the cub adds resistance to the workout, ensuring that your whole body will get toned.
9. Avoid the ocean. It’s full of sharks. Sharks ruin diets.
10. Now, doctors may advice against this, but if you’re struggling to make weight, bloodletting is a totally legitimate way to shed some unwanted poundage. The human body has at least four times the blood it actually needs, and the rest is just floating there, like an unflattering flannel shirt. Shed it, and you just might get your beach body in time for summer.