Things I Blame Obama For

Things I Blame Obama For

  1. My useless liberal arts degree.
  2. Zayn Malik leaving One Direction.
  3. The existence of Ghosts.
  4. The patriarchy.
  5. Requiring that I need credits in a non-English language to get my useless liberal arts degree, destroying my liberal arts degree and my self-esteem.
  6. The fact that the bridge in my home-town slightly sways in the wind.
  7. Foxygen & Star Power
  8. The critical appraisal of Finnegans Wake.
  9. That fan-fiction I read where Harry Potter had a threesome with two of the villains from Space Jam while Larry Bird watched.
  10. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
  11. The unfolding argument in English departments of close reading versus post-structuralism.
  12. The fact that I probably won’t get into my first-choice lawschool.
  13. And even if I do I’d probably be unhappy.
  14. Adam Brody’s film and TV career bombing after the end of the OC.
  15. The unsatisfying ending of Showtime’s Dexter. I mean a lumberjack, seriously?
  16. The fact that Kafka could never finish a novel properly. It’s not an ending if it just trails off in the middle.
  17. Ivan Karamazov’s brain fever.
  18. The critical over-adulation of Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp a Butterfly. I don’t understand why people hear a relatively powerful statement and decide it’s the new Roots. It’s not. It’s just a more melodic, less lyrical version of Blowout Comb.
  19. The fact that my old creative writing professor won’t hang out with me or invite me to social gatherings.
  20. How my girlfriend always gets mad at me because I don’t listen when she talks.
  21. In my defence she talks all the time.
  22. It’s like if a bird was given speed and taught to talk.
  23. Yesterday she talked for 45 minutes about Tort reform.
  24. And not the good kind.
  25. Thanks, Obama.
  26. The over-valuation of tech-companies. An active user-base doesn’t automatically equal monetization.
  27. There are some things you just can’t monetize.
  28. Like twitter.
  29. Over-used buzzwords.
  30. Like monetization.
  31. Or synergy.
  32. Or curation.
  33. The fact that we can’t have an open conversation about Kanye West because no one can admit that he’s fairly good.
  34. He’s not amazing or anything. He’s released some great LP’s and some real clunkers.
  35. It’s like he forgot how to write after Coldest Winter. Every song is just a vague repeating the same sort of thing (“I’m so famous but, look, there’s a downside”) without expanding on it in an interesting or reasonable way.
  36. Coach leaving New Girl.
  37. Coach coming back to New Girl.
  38. Coach leaving New Girl.
  39. My amazon prime subscription running out.
  40. Needing filler material like this so people don’t think the blog is abandoned.
  41. Tort reform.
  42. Coach guest-starring on New Girl.
  43. Linda Cardellini not being a bigger thing.
  44. Toe shoes.
  45. Buzzfeed encouraging a paradigm shift wherein lists have become the only way to generate consistent online traffic.
  46. White people not checking their privilege.
  47. Transcription errors in Finnegans Wake and Ulysses.
  48. My fear of being vulnerable.
  49. Colin Jost on the weekend update desk.
  50. Roman numerals consistent usage despite being depreciated and altogether a little silly.

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