More Fake Gossip Girl Fanfiction

There was a deafening silence. You could hear a pin drop. No one could believe what just happened and, what’s more, no one wanted to believe it. All eyes were directed at Dr. Nate Archibald. Dan was the first to talk:

“Nate, you can’t just use the n-word like that.”


“Chuck, you didn’t-“

“I did Serena”

“But there’s no way-“

“I did.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Serena’s eyes darted to Chuck’s. They were cold and black, ferociously bellying a truth that neither Chuck nor Serena could, before this night, have fathomed as a potential truth. There was a long silence, like in the beginning of that Sandra Bullock movie where no one talked for a bit.

“You don’t have to believe me,” Chuck said dramatically, “It’s true.”

Serena went flush.

“How could you do this to me,” she screamed, “How could you do this to my unborn child?” Serena croaked, falling to a whisper, “How could you sign up for Hulu Plus?”

Chuck sighed.


“Damnit Blaire, we don’t have all day,” Chuck screamed, “Hurry!”

Blaire went flush.

“Chuck this computer won’t hack itself. If you want the encrypted files then it’s going to take time. I installed a Linux cryptokey to get into the Command Prompt-“

“Blaire we don’t have time for this nerd talk. Rufus is going to be back from the Russian embassy in twelve minutes and we don’t want to be here when he gets back. If he finds us he’ll know we’ve been working with the CIA and we’re dead. You, men, Lily, Bart, Chuck. All dead. Is that what you want Blaire?”

“Of course not. I want none of that. None of that is what I want. I don’t want it. No.”

Chuck went flush.

Blaire started, “Just hold on and…. We’re in! I Fdisked the CHKDSK and that gave me Admin privileges over the local area network-“

Blaire stopped suddenly and screamed and went flush.

“What did you find Blaire?”

Blaire screeched, through flushed tears, “Rufus isn’t trying to assassinate the president. He IS the president!”

Chuck went flush.


“I’m afraid there’s nothing more that we can do,” the doctor said, “We were able to resuscitate Dan from the crash but we have no hope that he will ever regain brain or motor function. For all intents and purposes, he’s legally braindead. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Jenny went flush.


Seth Cohen started, “I mean, I said, I started, uh- hmm. I haven’t you know been like been that way, you know, been with someone like that in a long time, not since Summer had that accident, you know, it’s been a long time.”

Chuck Bass laughed and silenced Seth with a kiss, “You don’t have to worry about any of this stuff. Just close your eyes and I’ll make you forget all about this Summer.”

Seth went flush, knelt down, and closed his eyes.


Rufus used his pointing stick to point to some graphs that had been propped up carefully on an easel. He cleared his throat, went flush, and look solemn, like an avocado that was spoiling because it had been left out on a hot summer day.

“What does it mean Rufus,” Jack Bass asked sexily, “What does it mean that is on these graphs? What do these graphs mean Rufus?”

“Sweet, simple Jack, can’t you see what is on these graphs? On these graphs it shows that global mean temperature is declining at a rate inversely proportional to the rate of the supernova of the sun!”

“Rufus,” Vanessa interjected not-sexily, “Does it say on these graphs what I think it says on these graphs?”

“I’m afraid so. According to these graphs, within three years the sun will have gone full supernova and the world will have no way to heat itself. We will descend into chaos, fighting wars over fire and heat just like we’ve fought wars over oil.”

“No!” interjected Jack Bass, all sexy, “Is there anything we can do to stop it?”

“Please Rufus” screamed stupid ugly Vanessa, “help us!”

“I’m afraid there’s only one way and there’s no going back. This is a one way trip without return. Ever.”

“We’ll do it!” screamed Jack and dumb Vanessa together and unison.

“Well then, Jack, it looks like we’re going to space.”

Everyone went flush, especially Jack, who’s cheeks look so cute when they’re just a teeny bit red.

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