People often ask me, “Hey Carmichael (not my real name), how is it that you always maintain a perfect veneer of humbilidity amidst this wretched world?” I, of course, smile and nod and intimate nothing. Truth is, it’s nothing more than a simple checking of privilege. Everyone in the world, tall or short, white or slightly less white but still ethnically white, has at one point exhibited the warning signs of white privilege. I will leave them below so readers at home can identify whether themselves or a loved one are currently exhibiting the warning signs of white privilege:
- A compulsion to eradicate culture and customs upon contact with a foreign culture, specifically those that are denominationally non-Christian.
- Faith or belief in a monarchy.
- The uncontrollable urge to eat mayonnaise at all times.
- The ignorance of several hundred years of systems and practices slanted in your favour that other people can’t take advantage of. It manifests itself in a lot of ways people don’t realize: sometimes it’s as simple as getting a stern warning instead of a traffic ticket, other times its as big as getting that promotion because your boss (Howard) doesn’t feel as strong a connection with Sanjay in accounting, for whatever reason.
- Love for D’Angelo’s Voodoo or the entire discography of The National.
Even I, yes I, have caught myself falling into the trap of white privilege. Sometimes my mouth begins to feel dry and parched and a desire awakens inside of me for miracle whip. Sometimes I begin to drift away and then snap-back to attention, realizing I’ve been listening to Voodoo for the last hour and a half. Sometimes I get preferential treatment by people in the bureaucracy for no reason other than that I ‘look trustworthy’ and then brag about it later.
And so, I have no choice but to check myself and move forward. To quote Matt Beringer, “It takes an ocean not to break”. If you seek to check your privilege, follow the ten clear methods outlined below:
- Personally seek out representatives of cultural minority groups—Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Malalal Yousafzai, Ashwarya Rai—and personally apologize for instances in which you have left your privilege unchecked.
- Acquire baggage tags from your local airport if you don’t plan to put your privilege in on overhead baggage container.
- Determine the viscosity of your privilege and figure whether its best suited to be checked inside of a jar, Tupperware container, or plastic bag. Make sure to keep your privilege in a clean, dry place.
- Never allow yourself to receive preferential treatment from the waiting staff. If you feel that they are being too nice inform them that you have checked your privilege and will no longer acknowledge their smiles or playfulness.
- Avoid Pubs on University Campuses. There is a 65% chance that they are playing The National at any given time.
- Inform your friends that your new favorite NHL Hockey players are PK Subban and Joel Ward. Tell them it’s a coincidence.
- It’s a well-known fact that most ghosts are racist, so seek out a (preferably Hispanic) priest to perform an exorcism in your house.
- Avoid eating at non-ethnically specific restaurants. These imply a cultural homogeneity that the British Empire spent hundreds of years trying to establish. Let them know they failed.
- Inform other White People of the necessity that they too check their privilege. White People are traditionally poor listeners, so it’s best to shout, even if you have no prior relationship with this person.
- Abandon all meta-ethical theories except moral relativism.
If you follow all ten of those principles TO THE LETTER, you will be well on your way to becoming a productive member of an egalitarian society. Just remember: no mayo.