Chuck Bass turned around like a spinning watermelon. He walked up to Nate and slightly patted him on the chin. Nate sighed.
“I’m never going to be able to get back with Serena,” Nate began, crying tears of a true hero, “I may as well just end it right now.”
Chuck slapped Nate in the head.
“Never say that Nate, you don’t need Serena!” Chuck screamed.
Silence descended upon the two men like a gloomy blanket being thrown over a bowl of guacamole.
“I need her, Chuck.”
“You don’t need her, you have me.”
Nate looked up, puzzled.
“Footb-” Nate began.
“Just shut up,” Chuck said seductively, his cheeks going crimson.
Chuck grabbed Nate from the sternum and brought him close.
“I’ve been waiting so long,” Nate whimpered, as his lips met Chuck’s, again and again.
Soon, they made love for the first and last time. A child was born nine months later. Nate died in childbirth. Chuck doesn’t know.
Nate Archibald brushed some dirt off of his shoulder and expanded to meet Crasus.
“I am Spartacus!’ Nate screamed.
“Very well,” Crassus began, “take this man away for his crimes.”
Suddenly, without warning, slave Dan Humphrey thumped a hand to his chest and yelled: “I am Spartacus.”
Crassus turned, befuddled by this Shyamalan-style twist.
“I am Spartacus,” yelled Jack Bass.
“No, I am Spartacus,” announced Serena, Blair, Jenny, and a fourth person from the show Gossip Girl.
“Take them all away for crucifixion,” Crassus said dryly.
Suddenly, a shadow fell over the town of Innsmouth. Chuck Bass straightened his 30s-style adventurer cap and sequinned brown peacoat. He knew he was in for a long night. He needed to find the girl. She had gone missing and Chuck Bass, detective first lover second, had promised her parents, Jack and Kate, that he would find her. When he got the call he went straight from the hospital, where Marissa from ‘The OC’ was giving birth to their illegitimate love child.
Chuck lit up a cigarillo and walked down the street. He knew he was in for a rough night.
Suddenly, Cthulhu appeared to Chuck as a ghost in his mind….
“Damnit Rufus, I’m taking you off the case!” Superintendent Nate Archibald screamed at Detective Rufus Humphrey.
“Damnit Nate, you can’t! We’re so close to a breakthrough. You can’t do this. Think about the girl. Think about the rubies. I can find them both!” Rufus screamed, albeit louder.
“Damnit Rufus you punched Eva Mendes in the face! You can’t tell me she had something to do with this.”
“Damnit Nate, can’t you see it’s all connected? Eva Mendes, the girl, that old ship captain, the rubies, that ghost haunting the internet, SANDISK!”
“Damnit Rufus, where is your proof!”
“Damnit Nate, you know where my proof is, and I’m going to get it.”
“Damnit Rufus, where?”
“The goddamn Pentagon.”
“Rufus you can’t go,” Nate screamed, loudest of all, putting a hand on Rufus’ shoulder, “NOT WITHOUT ME.”