I Review Things #1: Neutrogena Deep Moisturizer Night Cream

The bottle stares at me and I think it lies. It makes claims about my complexion, about my hopes, about my dreams. The bottle is shaped like a phallus and no one will talk about why it’s shaped like a phallus. How come we never talk about the phallus anymore? Everything is phallically shaped: cellphones, pencils, some types of shoes, race cars. The list goes on and this just another thing on the list.

I digress.

As I’ve said, I think the bottle lies. It says it will moisten my skin. Does that imply my skin is not moist? Is there are a problem with my skin? Any response is unsatisfying. It puts me on the defensive. Why should I have to explain the deficiencies of my own skin? Furthermore, should I not be entirely justified in accepting myself tacitly and without requite, without deferring to Neutrogena’s idea of what beauty is?

It’s only in a free market where something as insufferable as this has any reign to exist. There’s no reason for it. Neutrogena cannot be used to build a bridge, nor a deck, it cannot be used to cut grass, and it cannot even be drank. Did you read that? It cannot be drank. I remember when I was younger I would wake up at 9AM every Saturday and skip down to the local burger joint and order a drink. I would ask for Coke, in a bottle, and get it. I never had to guess whether what was in this bottle was drinkable, I just knew that, because it was in a bottle, I could drink it. Even now, when I see a Coca Cola bottle, I’m racked with reminders of childlike innocence, of a time when I was happy. Now I find even the memory evading me, and it’s because of the bastardization of bottles propagated by evil fucking companies like Neutrogena.

I think back, as I am won’t to do, to the Myth of Sisyphus. Cursed by the gods to forever roll a boulder up a hill, only to see it roll back down the hill. There is also something about birds eating his liver, but I’m not sure. French Philosopher Albert Camus analyzed this myth and concluded that one ‘must imagine Sisyphus happy’. What is this joy? Where does this joy come from? Is it tangible? Is it a response to a rejection of contemporary metaphysics? Is it a tacit acknowledgment of the absurdity we face in our day to day existence? That Sisyphus, accepting of the realities of his temporal existence, is now, in a way, free to find the joy within it? The real question, the one upon which this review rests, is simple: if we imagine Sisyphus happy, in this state, what would make Sisyphus unhappy? Nowhere in the original Myth, nor in Camus’ book, does it imply that Sisyphus is permitted by the Gods to use Neutrogena Deep Moisturizer Night Cream, and yet, he is happy. We know him to be happy and his mood is no lessened by the lack of Neutrogena Deep Moisturizer Night Cream. If Sisyphus does not need it, why should I? Why should you? Are we not equal men and women, free to roam the world, without need of Neutrogena Deep Moisturizer Night Cream? I, for one, think we are.

The Cream costs $12.49. I did not buy it, much less open it or use it. The bottle is blue. I do not recommend this product.


Neutrogena Deep Moisturizer Night Cream: 1.6/10

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