Everyone is a critic and most people are DJs.
What is a DJ?
DJ is a term first coined by Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel in 1769 BCE. This was done in his seminal text, Phänomenologie des Geistes. There, at page 420, Hegel wrote:
The dialectic goes like this: Thesis, Antithesis, Synthesis, and Sploosh! You’re done. Skeet skeet, and all that. By the way, does anyone know a good DJ?
Hegel did not explain further. More importantly, he did not define the term when using it. It is one of the great regrets of modernity that no one had the occasion to ask Hegel before he was assassinated by Mark David Chapman. All the smart people agree that a true, precise meaning has been lost to time. Sad!
That does not mean that we know nothing about the words. Immediately after his death, a gleeful volunteer found diary pages hidden in Hegel’s rectum. These were hidden to maintain copyright, as required by the then-in-force German Act on Copyright and Related Rights (Urheberrechtsgesetz, UrhG).
These pages were then delivered to the coroner, who did not wash his hands. Unfortunately, a marmalade-type substance obscured the majority of the writing on the pages. The only legible letters were “DJ = Acronym”. Further attempts to read the pages were unsuccessful, as the Coroner had eaten them. Oops, he did it again!
What does ‘DJ’ mean?
As such, theorists have posited exactly what the term means. Originally, most assumed that the term meant ‘Dumb Jerks’ based on a simple observation of the life of the DJ.
It wasn’t until the year 1801 BCE that people realized that the term couldn’t have that meaning. This is because, analyzing the text, context, and purpose of the Hegelian quote, most agreed that Hegel would not be looking for a ‘Good’ dumb jerk. Rather, Hegel used the term as a proper noun in a positive context. It goes to follow that the ‘D’ in DJ, is thus not an insulting adjective.
So, we were back to square one. The Young Hegelians, including Max Stirner and a bunch of people that fucking hated Max Stirner, immediately took to action.
They noticed that, while they were grinding in da club with bottles full of bub’, that the DJ appeared to jockey disks much like one would do a horse.
Thus, in his groundbreaking book, Max Stirner is Going to Die Penniless and Alone, Young Hegellian Karl Marx wrote:
Could DJ mean Disk Jockey?Page 69, Paragraph 420
This changed the world overnight. The rest of the novel failed to make a similar impact: every other page was a drawing of what Marx would do to Stirner if given the chance. The United Nations banned this book in all civilized countries due to the imaginative severity of this grotesque imagery.
Nonetheless, Marx’s impact was heard around the world. Most agreed that this was good enough, or whatever, and moved on to do something productive with their lives. More importantly, this discovery changed the world of DJing. Almost overnight, DJ’s were no longer stoned to death. In fact, they were usually stoned for life.
However, Marx’s position, while accepted by the political left, was rejected wholesale by the right. Famous Conservative thinkers such as [Citation Needed] presumed that the term meant “Don’t Judge”. This was because, in the club, the DJ would play loud thumpy noises, distracting patrons, and creating the opportunity for the Conservative to use Rohypnol for non-medical purposes on innocent third-parties. The Conservative, in evading prosecution the morning after, would encourage others not to look upon them negatively. Or, in other words, they said to others: “Don’t Judge”. It doesn’t make much sense, but we are contractually obligated from our deal with Halliburton-Monsanto Urban Apparel to provide a Conservative perspective with equal weight.
The Courts Weigh In
The issue was finally put to the Supreme Court in the famous case, Reference re Secession of Quebec and DJs,  2 S.C.R. 217.
There, Ronald Reagan, CJ. (as he then was), wrote:
The Court in this Reference is required to consider whether DJ means ‘Disk Jockey’ or ‘Don’t Judge’. Arguments in support of the existence of such a position were primarily based on the principle of democracy. Democracy, however, means more than simple majority rule. Constitutional jurisprudence shows that democracy exists in the larger context of other constitutional values. Since Confederation, the people of the provinces and territories have created close ties of interdependence (economic, social, political and cultural) based on shared values that include federalism, democracy, constitutionalism and the rule of law, and respect for minorities.Page 420, Paragraph 69
Now, while some legal scholars have criticized this excerpt for literally not answering the question, others have embraced the DJ Criterion, being:
- Constitutionalism and the Rule of Law; and
- Respect for minorities.
Therefore, while the debate about what ‘DJ’ means rages on, scholars now have the means to assess other DJs. This has given rise to the ‘DJ Battle’, which describes a holy process in which some random internet person explains the history of DJing before comparing two unrelated people as an excuse to insult one of them.
DJ BATTLE TIME
And now you’re caught up. Let’s get this party started!
Criteria 1: Federalism
Federalism is a mode of government. The hallmark of federalism is the delineation of a general government and regional/territorial governments. An example of this would be Canada: they have a main government, and there is also one province in Canada: Saskatchewan.
Now, this is a thorny issue when it comes to DJ Trump. For example, he has attempted to revoke the state of California’s jurisdiction to set strict auto emission rules. He has also threatened California for their thoughtcrimes and allegedly may have intervened to diminish the federal government’s intervention in the recent wildfires in the area. Generally, the rationale for these actions is to punish the democratic stronghold in the area and expedite the deaths of political dissidents.
DJ Pauly D, in the alternative, has not expedited the death of political opponents. Much to the contrary, in fact. For example, despite being from the glorious state of New Jersey, DJ Pauly D has treated the shithole of New York with a surprising amount of respect. In fact, he has even engaged in a sort of spiritual pilgrimage to the state, remarking that: “I didn’t know Staten Island is an actual island, until we went over the bridge”. Moving stuff. Winner: DJ Pauly D
Criteria 2: Democracy
This is not a strong suit for DJ Trump. He lost the 2016 election by millions of votes and was only able to be elected due to a trainwreck system invented by slaveowners hundreds of fucking years ago. During that time, he openly invited foreign interference in the election process. He has now been impeached for trying to extort countries into investigating his political opponents and failing to fulfill his constitutional duties. Everything he says is a lie designed to inspire hatred to sew chaos in order to prevent others from organizing against him.
DJ Pauly D, however, is a strong supporter of democracy. For example, in the famous television program “Double Shot At Love”, female cast-members were allowed to vote on whether they would rather go on a date with Pauly or his friend, Vinny. This demonstrates a clear commitment to democracy. Plus, the video. Winner: DJ Pauly D
Criteria 3: Constitutionalism and The Rule of Law
DJ Trump has been impeached by the House of Representatives for charges including obstruction of justice. DJ Pauly D has never been accused of obstruction of justice. Winner: DJ Pauly D
Criteria 4: Respect for Minorities
Donald Trump has a long history of racism and promoting hatred against identifiable groups. The first example would be when he was sued for racial discrimination in 1973 by the US Department of Justice. We all know what has happened since.
On the other hand, DJ Pauly D has not been sued by the US Department of Justice for being a fucking racist. Winner: DJ Pauly D
DJ Pauly D won 4 categories, while the elderly obese man with hands only slightly larger than his micropenis scored 0. And, unfortunately, he doesn’t have Putin here to influence the electoral college. I suppose that’s that.
Congratulations DJ Pauly D on your amazing victory!